Thoughts?

This kind of blew me away. I love the originality. You?

But what do you have to say about…THIS!?

For a good majority of this week, the focus of my conversations with BabyJ has been the ridiculousness of the NBA MVP coverage. It’s come up a scary number of times.

Today, a major media outlet (that we enjoy greatly) gave its take on the shitstorm.

We battled the depression with Onion clips like this and this.

I would say everyone’s pretty used to critiques on the media. But in one week, it couldn’t get any worse, right?

Holy. Christ.

This is ESPN’s new investigatory journalism?

A sick twist of Candid Camera, 60 Minutes and everything on Telemundo?

At least it involved some serious discussion first (sarcasm included free).

I imagine the “roundtable discussion” they frequently show on the program went something like this:

Main douchy reporter: OK guys, I’ve spent the last 14 years getting the Dominican authorities to release this document. I’ve done some things we must never speak of…Anyway, so we get Miguel Tejada to come into this fake interview. We’ll chat about — oh I don’t know — his background or something to distract him. Then BAM — I bust out this! (pulls out birth certificate)

Subsequent douchy reporters: Excellent!…Super!…Pulitzer, here we come!…

Why is this news? So he lied about his age. He was poor kid coming to a new country, I’m sure no one in a similar situation would ever think of doing such a thing.

Plus, he’s 2 freakin’ years older. 2! It’s not like he’s 50.

It appears your local Channel 5 “gotcha!” brand of journalism has spread to the Leader.

What in the name of Anal Fissure is going on out there!?!?

First was the Cubs’ outfielder Felix Pie suffering what the docs like to call the ol’ “Teste Tornado” on Monday. Or, as reporters call it in their illusion of not prying while prying: testicular torsion. Yup, that’s one complimentary ball diagram. From me to you, with love.

[Side story: I actually know of a guy that had this happen to him in high school. After a few days he was perfectly fine in a physical sense. But after earning the knick-name “Timmy Tangles,” you could argue he never fully recovered.]

Then, just one day later, we get news from down South (sorry, had to) that Astros’ second baseman Kaz Matsui will miss some time due to an injury that, literally, sounds painful. Anal fissure. Just say it out loud to yourself, “Anal. Fissure.” Eeesh. (Hope nobody just heard you say that)

Now, a twisted nut seems to occur more often among people involved in a lot of physical activity. But looking at the list of causes for anal fissure, all I can think of comparing this to is what the kids on the street refer to as, “Blowing your O ring.” (Not to be confused with “Showing your O face”) This injury seems all the more freakishly random, unless Matsui has been on a steady diet of thumbtacks and sand paper.

Me, I blame steroids — or the lack-there-of. By denying our baseball players their God-given right to enhance their performance, we now have outfielders whose testicals are no longer shrunken down to an un-twistable size and infielders who don’t even have the strength to push out a poop without landing on the DL.

Bud Selig, I hope you’re happy.

I swear I didn’t do it, Mom… I mean, Mitchell

I never thought I’d be able to relate to a Major League Baseball player. That was, until I heard Fernando Vina recreate the same speech I gave to my parents when they found pot in my duffle bag.

“Oh no mom, I’ve never done anything more than a little weed” … “I pretty much just try some when it’s around at a party” … “I was carrying that for a friend” … “Somebody just told me it could help my creativity, you know, help me get a better grade in art class” … ” Bottom line. It was stupid. I’m embarrassed now, and it didn’t help, either.”

OK, so that last one was literally right out of Vina’s statement, but you can see the point I’m getting at here. All these steroid shenanigans are just childish. All we’ve really accomplished is managing to revert a bunch of washed up millionaires into pimple-faced teens, tripping over their words for some semblance of an excuse.

These guys are all putting makeup on pigs at this point. No matter how pretty and innocent they try to cast themselves, they still cheated. I would love for just one of these guys, just one, to come out and say, “You know what, I did it. HGH, steroids, everything that the report says is true and that shouldn’t surprise you one bit. These drugs were everywhere when I was playing, and anybody in the league could point you in the direction to get some. So when I felt backed into a corner, I did all I could to protect my future, and that led me to cheating. I’m sorry, but that’s what happened.”

And the funny thing is, while the media circus would come to town for all of a day, after that, it would pretty much be over for that player. No more prying questions, no more following him and his kid to school. Cuz that’s the thing about the media: Once they get what they want, they usually move on.

Instead, we have the guys who have already proved themselves as the most selfish in the sport once, continuing to put themselves and their “image” first. I’m sorry Fernando, but hardly anybody remembers you. You have no image to maintain.

You know who I would rather hear from? All the guys from the Triple-A teams in Texas, Baltimore, New York, and all these other teams riddled with juiced up starters. Those are the guys who never got to live their dream because some melon-headed outfielder cheated his way onto the squad. Those are the guys who lived in apartments when their counterparts had cribs. Those are the real losers in this entire ordeal. Not the fans, not the record books and certainly not the “integrity of the game.”

No news is good news?

As I write this, ESPN is reporting that Joe Torre has turned down a $5 million, 1-year deal to remain with the Yankees. However, they keep saying “apparently,” so Andy Katz might be on the story.

Either way, thank God this Torre news nightmare is over. What is happening lately with non-news stories being completely over-covered?

First we have Kobe demanding a trade, then not demanding a trade. The next day, Kobe is cleaning out his locker!! Oh wait, sorry, he’s just cleaning up his locker.

Then this Joe Torre nonsense started.

Will he come back? Will he leave? Oh my God, I can’t sleep until someone hypothesizes!!!

Earlier this week, the SportsNation poll question on espn.com was, “Who should the Yankees keep, Joe Torre or Alex Rodriguez?”

What’s that? You didn’t know the rule that says a team can only keep either its manager or star player when both are up for contract renewal? You need to read more Baseball Prospectus.

Long ago, in journalism school, I was taught that stories are to be chosen based on how newsworthy they are. I couldn’t even tell you what criteria the above stories passed.  But, either way, I thought I could always fall back on the sports section of the beacon of spectacular journalism that is the New York Times. Until I saw the following headline.

“The only Yankee News Is That There is Still No News”

Honestly NYT? You’ve violated Rule 1 of the profession and we haven’t even gotten to the lead.

If I’m a reader, who knows nothing about the Yankees, baseball or sports, why would I read this story? Because it contains no news? How do you even write a 16-graph story that contains no news? More rhetorical questions!!

Suddenly, Klosterman’s suggestions aren’t looking so drastic.

Dispatch from the Windy City

This wasn’t originally going to be a Cubs post, even though I write from the heart of the mayhem.

But it’s all just too much, I couldn’t take it anymore.

It all started this morning about 5:45 with SportsCenter. Hoping to just hear the best from excited Cubs fans on this the first day of the playoffs, I was greeted with something awful. The anchor (who will remain anonymous) said to lead off the show:

“Winning the Series would be both good and bad in the eyes of Cubs’ fans. They would break the team’s curse but lose the title of ‘Lovable Losers.”

If there is a team out there (ANYWHERE) whose fans DON’T want them to win so they can keep the image of losers, please kill me now. Also, since when does said anchor speak for all of Cubdome?

And that got me thinking…

Lots of people (throw me in there) stereotype your everyday Cubs’ fan as either 1.) a sorority girl in her pink Soriano jersey or 2.) an East-Coast frat boy with Jimmy Clausen’s hair who bought all the “Welcome to the gun show” shirts from Urban Outfitters.

But, since I’ve moved to Chicago, I haven’t met a single fan that fits that description (except when I actually went to Wrigley for a game).

Most are loyal (to say the least) Cubby fans. They have one goal, to see their team win the World Series. Something, you may have heard, they haven’t done a very good job of lately.

And awhile later, while pondering these deep thoughts, I came across this (non)story in the New York Times.

Steve Bartman still isn’t talking to the media? OMG! Please write about it and include lots of questions with no answers and plenty of references to phones being hung up upon answer:

But does he still hold his old job and still live with his parents in this suburb northwest of Chicago, about 16 miles from Wrigley? ‘I know the answer to that question,’ Zillmer said.

Check

Another phone call, to a neighbor of Bartman’s parents, resulted in a phone receiver being quickly hung up . . . Two visits to the family home in a three-day period yielded no Bartman sightings and no answer to a knock on the door.

Double check.

They just won’t drop it.

So for God’s sake, Cubs, win the World Series. Win and away go the stereotypes of your fans and the stories about your ugly past which aren’t fun to read anymore. Away go taunts from your cross town “rivals” and their fans. Away goes everything…but your loyal fanbase.

Milton Bradley will not be bullied by your umpires

So, this really needs to be discussed, even though it’s not that fresh.

Milton Bradley tore his ACL while being restrained during an argument with a umpire in Sunday night’s game against the Rockies.

Typical Milton, you say?

Not so fast. If you watch the video, which I’m assuming you already have, Milton doesn’t appear to say much after reaching first base. Then, jawing with the ump starts. And soon, Milton goes after him.

Milton’s side of the story goes like this: Home plate ump asks Milton if he threw his bat at him. Milton says you must be trippin’, who told you that? Home plate ump says first base ump. Milton confronts first base ump about untrue accusation, first base ump confirms it then calls Milton a piece of something. Hilarity ensues.

If you watch Milton’s explanation though, it’s not really that funny. It does seem like the umpire was targeting him because he is, well, Milton Bradley. And, as crazy as he has been, Bradley’s analogy to the Tim Duncan situation is rather spot-on.

If Joey Crawford can be suspended for picking on Duncan, this ump should most certainly be suspended for singling out Bradley.

Don’t get me wrong, Bradley’s injury was half a result of him going bat-shit crazy on the ump, and half a result of the egging on of the ump (who shall remain nameless). But, how can this ump walk away with no punishment? Bradley’s season is definitely over, and with it may go the Padres playoff chances.

Wow, a two-video post.

Keep an eye on…

Every set of eyes will probably be glued to the NFL this weekend, and for good reason. There are some fairly intriguing matchups, including the following:

>>Green Bay at New York (Giants), 1:00 EST: After their huge win over Philly, we’ll see how the Packers fare against Eli Manning…or one-armed Eli Manning… or Jared Lorenzen.

>>San Diego at New England, 8:15 EST, NBC: LT is going to be more “Nike commercial” than “actual Bears game” if the Chargers have any hope against the cheaters.

>>Indianapolis at Tennessee, 1:00 EST: This game might not be that exciting, but I’m live-blogging it over at si.com, so check it out. Perhaps Vince Young will give us another Heisman pose if the Titans win (or lose).

>>There’s also some good baseball this weekend. The Yankees and Red Sox (OMG!) start up a series (Friday ESPN, Sat FOX, Sun ESPN) in the Fenway Park(never heard of it), while the Cubs try not to be worthless against the hated (not so much this year) St. Louis Cardinals (WGN, CSN).

>>Are you as excited for the conclusion of the FedEx Cup as I am? Yea, I’m mildly turned on by the Tour Championship (Thurs/Fri GOLF, Sat/Sun NBC). I had high hopes for the golf playoffs, really, I did. But, Tiger’s going to win. No doubt about it. And you know what that means, $10 million extra for Tiger. Whoo. Hoo.

The Fynal Out: At least one race is heating up

It’s looking like the only “race” that’s going to be competitive coming down the stretch is the one for the N.L.’s Wild Card spot.

The top four teams are separated by just 2.5 games, and were all in action against each other last night.

Of those four teams, the Dodgers are probably the most surprising. An early contender in many people’s eyes, the Dodgers faded quickly in mid season, and were considered to be out of it.

But last night’s win over the Padres made them one of those teams trailing by just 2.5 games.

Los Angeles has won 6 of it’s last 10, and will face the Padres again tonight.

Padres 1, Dodgers 6: James Loney came up a triple short of the cycle in going 3-for-4 and hitting his fifth home run in six games. Sub Chad Billingsley (filling in for Derek Lowe) went 6 strong innings to get his 11th win of the season.

Rockies 12, Phillies 0: Philly is possibly the only team that could turn a triple play in the same game they lose 12-0. After hitting into the 3-outer, Matt Holliday homered in his fourth-straight game, a 3-run shot in the third.

Yankees 4, Blue Jays 1: Remember yesterday I said Phil Hughes posed the largest threat to the Yankees streak? Yea, that was before I saw last night’s starter. Somehow back in the rotation, Mike Mussina held the Jays scoreless over 5 2/3 innings, stretching the New York winning streak to 7 games. No player on the Yankees had more than 1 hit.

More scores…

What is life like over there on the South Side?

Around here, I’ve repeatedly called for Ozzie Guillen’s head.

OK, really just his job.

But it’s always baffled me how a guy can so thoroughly embarrass an organization through his actions (Oh, he can’t speak English well, isn’t it funny when he swears?!), and still be so revered by the fans.

This is Ozzie.

He’s loud, obnoxious, profane and homophobic. And on top of that, his club is awful this year.

If you, dear reader, were the team president with a manager is that situation, what would you do?

If you answered, “R. Give him an extension through 2012,” you can one day run a major-league team!

Yes, the Sox have given Guillen an extension, and not your regular continuation, a 5-year deal.

It seems this is well, a bad move. The White Sox still seem to be clinging to their World Series win in 2005. Yes, that was a huge, huge win for the entire South Side, and don’t get me wrong, there is nothing, NOTHING wrong about fan pride. But keeping Ozzie isn’t going to get you back to the World Series, that’s going to take a better team.

Also, I’m assuming the team is going to go through a heaving rebuilding phase since this new contract screams “you can be awful for at least two more years before you have to win again.”

Do the Sox really think Ozzie is the guy for that job? This is a guy who sent rookie pitcher Sean Tracey down to the minors for not retaliating and hitting a batter. Sounds like a very great, patient “teacher” to me.

So good luck for the next five years Chicago, my money is on a buyout after year 2. Oh, and where can I get a pair of those Ozzie-colored glasses you see the world through?