What in the name of Anal Fissure is going on out there!?!?

First was the Cubs’ outfielder Felix Pie suffering what the docs like to call the ol’ “Teste Tornado” on Monday. Or, as reporters call it in their illusion of not prying while prying: testicular torsion. Yup, that’s one complimentary ball diagram. From me to you, with love.

[Side story: I actually know of a guy that had this happen to him in high school. After a few days he was perfectly fine in a physical sense. But after earning the knick-name “Timmy Tangles,” you could argue he never fully recovered.]

Then, just one day later, we get news from down South (sorry, had to) that Astros’ second baseman Kaz Matsui will miss some time due to an injury that, literally, sounds painful. Anal fissure. Just say it out loud to yourself, “Anal. Fissure.” Eeesh. (Hope nobody just heard you say that)

Now, a twisted nut seems to occur more often among people involved in a lot of physical activity. But looking at the list of causes for anal fissure, all I can think of comparing this to is what the kids on the street refer to as, “Blowing your O ring.” (Not to be confused with “Showing your O face”) This injury seems all the more freakishly random, unless Matsui has been on a steady diet of thumbtacks and sand paper.

Me, I blame steroids — or the lack-there-of. By denying our baseball players their God-given right to enhance their performance, we now have outfielders whose testicals are no longer shrunken down to an un-twistable size and infielders who don’t even have the strength to push out a poop without landing on the DL.

Bud Selig, I hope you’re happy.


3 Responses to “What in the name of Anal Fissure is going on out there!?!?”

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