Archive for the 'Beantown' Category


Just like cheatin’ on your wife…

It’s not illegal unless you’re caught on tape.

Or at least, that seems to be the road the whole “Spygate” scandal is headed down. Leave it to the New York Times to put a seemingly unethical situation into perspective with this fantastic article. Most people are very fast to bury Belichick, others are holding out hope that this will all wash over, and an even smaller portion of us are just so enraged that the media resorted to throwing a “gate” suffix at the end of another scandal that we can’t mentally progress any further.

But one option that nobody seems to have considered is that it ends up being the NFL that gets all shook up after this — not the Patriots. I mean, they have a very intense ethical dilemma on their hands here that the likes of Socrates would appreciate. It’s your classic slippery slope argument of asking where to draw the line on a particular issue. I guess the main question here isn’t Is it wrong to steal signals? but rather, Is it wrong to use a camcorder? Because if you think the first question is at the heart of this, well, let me allow the commissioner to field that one…

“I’m not sure that there is a coach in the league that doesn’t expect that their signals are being intercepted by opposing teams.”

We hear of this a lot in baseball. It’s pretty much common knowledge that if a man is on second base, that batter is going to have a clue as to what’s coming. And hell, in that sport we have national television revealing the signals, so tell me that teams don’t watch tape of opposing signs.

All I’m saying is: This isn’t as open and shut a case as it may see. The door will inevitably remain open here. And if the hammer falls on Belichick, don’t think he won’t come right back and hire some savant from Pawtucket that reads lips, hand him a pair of binoculars and a pen, and ring the bell for Round 2.


tom brady beats aids

Just two days removed from toppling the previously undefeated Indianapolis Colts, The FynalCut has received exclusive information that Tom Brady has become the first human being in history to conquer AIDS. Brady, at the tender age of 30, is now the only quarterback in NFL history to defeat 31 NFL teams and an incurable virus.

“I have all the respect in the world for AIDS” Brady told The FynalCut. “That virus has had its way with more than 25 million opponents, but I just stuck to the game plan and gave it my all.”

It is unknown how Brady contracted the virus, but some are speculating that it may have had something to do with a goat handling expedition (pictured) Brady took part in in Fort Wayne, Ind., immediately following Sunday’s game. The two-time Super Bowl MVP began feeling slightly under the weather on his flight home. After consulting with a team physician, Brady learned the true extent of his condition sometime late Sunday evening.

“It certainly scared me a bit at first, but in the end I knew I just needed to treat this one like any other game,” he said.

Brady spent all of Monday with Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick watching film of AIDS, picking up on it’s tendencies and vulnerabilities. Then, sometime late Monday night or early Tuesday morning, Brady handed the virus its first-ever taste of failure.

“I just don’t know what to say,” the acquired immune deficiency syndrome said in a press release. “I take my hat off to Brady and the rest of the Patriot organization. I’ve had a lot of success in my career, but I have to admit: He’s just flat-out better than me.”

The unheralded victory doesn’t come without its own dose of controversy, however. Reports have already begun to surface about several men in New England attire spotted with video cameras in India, South Africa and several other underprivileged nations.

It’s unknown exactly how much assistance this video could have provided Brady in his battle with the merciless disease, but several bloggers and T.V. analysts are already calling into question Brady’s three previous victories against influenza along with a supposed defeat he handed to the chicken pox in fifth grade.

“No comment,” Belichick said regarding the matter.


The Musical Fruit

Don’t mess with Texas? Pah! With George Bush in the oval office, Mark Cuban prancing around in a vest and pretty boy Tony Romo leading “Amurica’s Team,” personally, I’m hitting up Texas for its lunch money. Because Boston just took mine, gave me a wedgie and wolf packed my Auntie Eileen.

More appropriate these days: Don’t fahk with Bahston!

Look no further than Thursday’s Sportscenter. Open with Game 2 World Series highlights — a Red Sox victory. Move on to Boston College defeating Virginia Tech behind the arm of Heisman front runner Matt Ryan. What’s next? One of the bloodier hockey fights we’ve seen in a while. And the jersey that remained clean during that fight… You guessed it. A Boston Bruin. Throw in a token Tom Brady talk and all you’re missing is a drunk Irishman pissin into the Charles River.

The shame of all this over exposure is the resentment that ensues. The easy thing to do right now is hate Beantown. You’ve got Joe Buck and Tim McCarver yapping this and that about Papi and Papelbon, (Did you know that Manny Ramirez is a good two-strike hitter, by the way?) and even the Celtics new threesome is on the cover of ESPN Magazine. What’s not to despise.

But what might be getting lost in musical fruit tooting is the big picture, the history. The present allotment of sports fans are being blessed not one, but perhaps two of the greatest teams in their sports… of ALL TIME. The fact that they happen to play in the same state shouldn’t discredit that.

For starters, compare this Red Sox team to the Yankees dynasty of the 90s. You’ve got Manny, Ortiz and Lowell against Jeter, Posada and Williams. Beckett and Schilling v. Clemens and Pettite. Papelbon and Okajima v. Rivera and Stanton. I mean, that’s stacking up pretty nicely there, if not with a little lean toward the side of “The Nation.” This may very well be a team for the books, folks. We should be paying attention.

And when was the last time a football team looked as purely dominant than the Patriots have? 1985? That’s more than 20 years folks. Proof enough that this sort of team doesn’t come around very often.

What’s worrisome is that these teams and this city are simply victims of circumstance. Normally, I feel like people like to root for history. They want to see something they can tell their grandkids about. But in today’s media climate, we don’t just beat a dead horse, it’s beaten, killed, beaten more, gutted, dissected, stomped on, it’s family is beaten, then Pedro Gomez swoops in and prods that pony for a sound bite.

Moral of the story is, don’t poo-poo the city of musical fruits just because they’re good. Besides, if you do, I’m pretty sure Zdeno Chara will kick your ass.

July 2019
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