Well, here at the Cut, we’re about sick of this Kelvin Sampson bullshit.
Paired with that crushing loss to Wisconsin last night, this isn’t the greatest week to be a Hoosier fan.
However, being an investigatory
couch-dwelling blogger reporter is a full-time job.
And thanks to that new wire-tapping legislation, we were able to stumble across a secret conversation between George W. Bush and Roger Clemens.
The following is a direct transcript of what we heard:
George W. Bush: Is this thing on? Hello?
Roger Clemens: Hello?
GW: Hey Rog, how you holdin’ up? It’s George.
RC: I’ve earned everything I’ve ever gotten. My stepdad died when…
GW: Bush, Rog, not Mitchell.
RC: Oh, sorry Dub, I’ve got testifying on the brain. Rusty gave me this damn script to drive home how underprivileged I was.
GW: Sounds difficulty. When I want to look like a common man, Snow used to tell me to roll up my sleeves. Sometimes I get stuck on the buttons, but it reminds me how hard those union boys work… Anyway, I’m callin’ to extend an olive stick on behalf of the United States.
RC: An olive…You mean an olive branch? I used to have to hunt for my dinner using only olive branches…
GW: Rog, remember, you don’t need the script. Try and stay with me here. Anyway, yea, an olive branch. I have one. Called a pardon. I’m getting good at usin’ em. Kind like a lifeline on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” and I’m phonin’ a friend. He he. Get it?
RC: Yea, I get it. So what do I have to do?
GW: Well, you already did most of the work by reading off that script during the hearin’. Got the Dems all riled up. Givin’ Dan Burton those Yankees’ season tix probably didn’t help, either. And if you’re worried about your soul, don’t be, Dick (Cheney) told me that witchcraft of swearing on the Bible only works on liberals.
RC: I never took steroids or Human Growth Hormone.
GW: Yea, and I never passed ’em around the Rangers clubhouse. He he.
RC: Well, once you pardon me, do you think I’ll be voted into the Hall of Fame?
GW: Can’t make any promises there Rog. They let me back into office for a second term, so anything’s possible.
RC: I guess so. One more thing George…
GW: Yea, Rog?
RC: Have any tips for a smoothing things over with the better half? Things are kinda bumpy after yesterday.
GW: Well, when Barney’s mad at me, I slip some Jack in his Alpo and massage his parts a little…
RC: Nevermind George, I gotta go.
GW: Alright buddy, well you hang in there. And thanks for that signed poster, bag of baseballs and Yankees jersey, Condi loves all of it.