Just two days removed from toppling the previously undefeated Indianapolis Colts, The FynalCut has received exclusive information that Tom Brady has become the first human being in history to conquer AIDS. Brady, at the tender age of 30, is now the only quarterback in NFL history to defeat 31 NFL teams and an incurable virus.
“I have all the respect in the world for AIDS” Brady told The FynalCut. “That virus has had its way with more than 25 million opponents, but I just stuck to the game plan and gave it my all.”
It is unknown how Brady contracted the virus, but some are speculating that it may have had something to do with a goat handling expedition (pictured) Brady took part in in Fort Wayne, Ind., immediately following Sunday’s game. The two-time Super Bowl MVP began feeling slightly under the weather on his flight home. After consulting with a team physician, Brady learned the true extent of his condition sometime late Sunday evening.
“It certainly scared me a bit at first, but in the end I knew I just needed to treat this one like any other game,” he said.
Brady spent all of Monday with Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick watching film of AIDS, picking up on it’s tendencies and vulnerabilities. Then, sometime late Monday night or early Tuesday morning, Brady handed the virus its first-ever taste of failure.
“I just don’t know what to say,” the acquired immune deficiency syndrome said in a press release. “I take my hat off to Brady and the rest of the Patriot organization. I’ve had a lot of success in my career, but I have to admit: He’s just flat-out better than me.”
The unheralded victory doesn’t come without its own dose of controversy, however. Reports have already begun to surface about several men in New England attire spotted with video cameras in India, South Africa and several other underprivileged nations.
It’s unknown exactly how much assistance this video could have provided Brady in his battle with the merciless disease, but several bloggers and T.V. analysts are already calling into question Brady’s three previous victories against influenza along with a supposed defeat he handed to the chicken pox in fifth grade.
“No comment,” Belichick said regarding the matter.