27
Jul
07

$5K for Bosworth? I’m in

Lance wins...againHave you ever wondered how lucrative a career in public speaking could be?

No? Me neither.

But I never realized the amount of money athletes can make giving motivational speeches (sometimes after their prime, sometimes while they’re still active).

Anyway, Direct Sportslink will hook you up with your favorite athlete for a nominal fee. Note: “nominal” = holy shit I’ve never seen that much money.

Here’s a list of some of the celebs DS can hook you up with, and what you get for your money.*

*fabricated by yours truly

1. In the highest tier: There is only one athlete, and I’m sure you’ve guessed which douc…I mean celebrity garnishes the highest wages.

Yep, it’s Lance. For “above $100,000” he will give you the most inspirational speech of your life. Also included, Lance will show you how to redirect steroid implications into lawsuits against the French media. In addition, you will also receive political advice and also a free naked photo of yourself and Lance riding tandem. Matthew McConaughey, please stop calling.

2. Second tier — $75,000-$100,000: There are several athletes in this category, including George Foreman, Dale Earnhardt Jr., Phil Jackson, Joe Montana and Gary Player (honestly?). But most valuable in this category is Tom Brady. For only about four times your yearly salary, the three-time Super Bowl champion will teach you to impregnate has-been actresses, completely get out of caring for the child, and then land a super model. And then blow it. Seems like he could charge more.

3. Third tier — $50,000-$75,000: The first member of this category is Hank Aaron. Honestly, he’s probably worth a lot more, and one of the only athletes I would pay to hear speak. Others include the entire lineup of quarterback broadcasters (Troy Aikman, Steve Young, Dan Marino), Raymond Floyd, Hulk Hogan, Nolan Ryan and Oscar De La Hoya. We’re going to highlight Pat Riley though. Your fee gets you a nice soft leather chair to sit back and watch someone else do your work. Also, you’ll get a pink slip to give the person doing your work after they’ve got you to an acceptable level. Lastly, you get a free loop hole that Riley can show you how to use to get out of your job as soon as things start going south.

4. Fourth tier — $40,000-$50,000: This range is all over the place, from Peggy Flemming to Phil Ivey and Annie Duke. Why would anyone pay to hear a poker player give them an inspirational speech? However, the $50K course Roger Clemens teaches in business management is well worth it. He’ll teach you how to turn sub-par performances into more than $20 million!

Some of you are probably thinking, I don’t have this kind of money. What can I get on the “sale rack”? Well, I’ve got just the thing.

5. Way down the list — $5,000-$10,000: Danny Ainge baby! Is your business or home life not quite the debacle you desire? If not, Danny can help you out. He’s ruined many a team, and continues to be employed! What a steal!

6. Even cheaper — $2,000-$5,000: This range reads like a Tecmo Super Bowl roster. Dave Krieg, Charlie Joiner, Irving Fryar. But also, you can get Brian Bosworth or Rolando Blackman. This is how Bosworth’s profile reads on the site:

“The Boz” was the winner of the first two Butkus Awards as the nation’s top college linebacker, before being kicked off the Oklahoma Sooners football team for testing positive for steroids. He remains the only player ever to have won the Butkus Award more than once.

Also, Jon Barry evidently gets paid to speak. That is all.

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2 Responses to “$5K for Bosworth? I’m in”


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