So the other night, while laying in bed half-dying from this lung flu the devil spawned, a friend texted to say Joakim Noah was standing in front of him at the Miami airport, ordering a sandwich.

My first thought, besides “that would make a great t-shirt” was of course, “did you talk to him?”

yeah, actually. he stuffed a bunch of money — like $10 — in a jar for some kids charity. then i said ‘whoa’ he laughed a bit, then he dropped his sunglasses, and i picked them up and he said thanks.

When I (half-jokingly) said, “too bad you didn’t get a picture,” my friend’s response semi surprised me.

“Meh,” he said.

Despite his muppet dialect, the indifference in my pal’s voice font was clear. Meeting an athlete/celebrity ain’t what it used to be.  And unless you’re 8, you probably don’t want to ask for an autograph.

So how should you handle running into someone who could probably pay you to go away? (Other than picking up their sunglasses)

No. 1 - There are only a few reasons you should request (or just take) a photo. One, you witness this married celebrity touching a co-ed inappropriately and/or doing something outrageous/stupid/hilarious (cough, Mark Cuban, cough). EXCEPTION: If this happens more than three times a week, it is not unique, and no one cares (cough, Mark Cuban, cough). Two, you lie constantly, and your friends will never believe that you saw Keith Hernandez at Red Lobster.

No. 2 - Do not, under any circumstances, ask for an autograph UNLESS a.) it will be worth more than $1,000 USD on eBay, b.) the celebrity is your all-time favorite player, or c.) you have your child or a small person you could pretend to care for in your possession at the time.

No. 3 - If you honestly think you and this athlete could be friends (you can’t) or that you might get along (you won’t), offer to buy him/her a beer. If she isn’t immediately creeped out, maybe you guys could watch a movie later! (you won’t)

No. 4 - Lastly, it’s always courteous to keep any of your female friends from going home with the athlete. Although there’s a slight chance the athlete is Shawn Kemp and your friend will be knocked up before you leave the bar, a negative outcome is more likely. Just a warning.

If you must, copy this, fold it up, put it in your fanny pack and always carry it with you. At the very least, it should prevent disaster.